Lil' Jon: Attention Seeking or Insane

INTRODUCTION
But a few hours ago my neighbors were blasting something that sounded so awful that I lost my remaining faith in humanity. Seriously. If this is what gets on the radio by popular demand, I'm going to go sharpen my machetes. I mean if I'm already surrounded by swarms of mindless, violent, half-alive, subhuman wretches, then who are you to tell me this isn't already the zombie apocalypse. Let me have my fun. I was also asked to write something soon so I chose this abomination as my target.
Jonathan Mortimer Smith was born in Atlanta Georgia in 1971 and is best known for his bass heavy rap (with him going so far as sampling Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train) and his great talent as a writer, rapper, DJ, producer and entrepreneur. Or at least that's what the music industry would like you to think. They'd also like us to believe that Elvis and Tupac dead, but may the man know that I am on to him!

MUSIC PERSONAL LIFE

Jonathan, is ACTUALLY best known as that guy who screams "YEAH!" and "OKAY!" in the background of terrible rap songs. His lyrical skill can only be compared to that of several whoopee cushions being set off at once. Now, one would try to question the actual depth of his lyrics and try to read for subtext, but he is literally such a terrible writer, that it is impossible to understand the primary text, let along the subtext. As his name seems to be a direct reference to Robin Hood, one would assume he has an interest in literature. However, once again,  thou wouldst be wrong! I, along with the rest of those who have unfortunately heard 

his music, would be genuinely surprised if he was ever sober long enough to regain his ability to see clearly 

and thereby read.

His music videos consist mainly of curvaceous scandalously scantily clad women dancing (read gyrating and shaking the excess fat in their bodies convulsively somewhat to the beat of the song) while he stands in the background screaming his signature lines.
PERSONAL LIFE 

So to recap: He drinks. A lot.

He also does countless drugs, admitting (probably unwittingly) to several of them in his songs.

His most notable features are likely his likely insect infected hair and his "grill".
In case you don't know (most people don't) a grill is a piece of jewelry used to cover teeth. There are two kinds of grillz (for some reason the plural is always written with a z because proper English isn't gangtera). Most "sane" (quotes because when are rappers ever truly sane?) rappers get grillz that are made from molds. Our friend Jonathan, likely due to the large amounts of alcohol and narcotics in his blood, chose the less sane way. He had the stones drilled into his teeth.

IS HE CRAZY?

 I don't really like to answer my own questions, but hey listen to this and decide for yourself.

Diclaimer: Do not watch if you are prone to seizures caused by flashing lights, bad and/or repetitive music and mental retardation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoA-ByjIf2M&ob=av3e 

Thank you for reading through this entire crappy post. Its been a while okay? Don't judge me, I've had things to do... Bye!

Oh wait, I should leave you with something good to wash the Lil Jon taste out of your mouth. Lets see... What should it be? Oh wait: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4xq9_9QKJY

Manliest Movie Ever

Last week, I watched a movie so manly, it made Chuck Norris look like, well... me.
Based off of this movie, I decided what it would take to make a movie this awesome.
Character: The main character of this movie is more man then should ever be in a movie that doesn't involve sex and violence in every scene... Thank God this movie did both, in fact, at a certain point in the movie, it did both together. This character was doing insane things the entire movie. If I were to walk into an alleyway with that man, nothing would happen, because his sheer manliness would have kept me out of the alleyway. Everything about him, from the five o'clock shadow, to the constant "I dare you" look on his face makes me want to soil myself repeatedly.
Plot: Now, if it's one thing men don't like in a movie, it's a coherent story. Men don't have time to learn morals, or follow plot twists, men judge a movie based solely on the amount and extensiveness of a it's fight scenes and explosions. Men like action. (Editing Note: Men also hate to be referred to with pronouns.)
This movie is so filled to the brim with manliness, that the main character dies of boredom, moments after jumping out of a helicopter, simply because that was the least, and I lack adjectives here so I'll create my own, challenawesomemanly thing he'd done that day.
CRANK: I've avoided talking about the movie directly so far because I'm an awesome writer and know how to use writing devices, like suspense and stuff. The movie is basically about a mobster (named Chelios), who is poisoned by his boss, in an attempt for said criminal leader to get himself out of, and excuse me for using scientific terms here, deep sh*t. Chelios is played by Jason Statham, an actor so manly that the amount of time he needs to kill you is equivalent to the amount of time it takes for you to learn to pronounce his last name. A quick Google search shows that all of his pictures range from mildly frightening, to push your acrophobic grandmother off a skyscraper intimidating.
http://tinyurl.com/43cqr3o
This is one of the least intimidating pictures I found of him, and to be honest, I'd rather face the gun than face that. The look in his eyes makes it look as if the gun was about to melt seconds after the picture was taken. Jason Statham is the bastard child of James Bond, Angelina Jolie and Teddy Roosevelt.
I suggest you don't mention that it's anatomically impossible for three people to have a child together, because this: http://tinyurl.com/3ms5vwa is not a man you'd like to contradict.
Thanks for reading, and sleep well. 
And don't let song choice (Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold) lead you to dreaming about Statham, you'll regret it when you wake up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94bGzWyHbu0
Just kidding, you wouldn't wake up from it.

How To Babysit

For those of us not intelligent enough to join the cast of Jersey Shore, employment is always an option. Yes, I know that's like saying that the ugly step sister is always an option, but everyone needs a living right?
I've been doing a lot of babysitting this summer, because according to MTV I don't look good in a fake tan. Once I was confronted with the little monsters, I realized one thing right away: their parents weren't leaving them with me because they were busy, they just wanted to get away from them. Now, faced with this fact, I had two choices, consult child experts in some way, whether through a book, or in person, OR take the easy way out. Obviously, I did what any self-respecting, intelligent adolescent boy would do, I took the easy way out.
When left alone with a group of children, the television is your best friend. Give them the remote, and then you're free to roam the refrigerator while using their internet. This was pure genius on my part... Up until the parents began wondering where their children were learning the obscene words and expressions they began using were from. I confronted the children about this, and that's when things got scary. The grinning, sniveling  tooth missing idiots were gone. They were replaced with conniving masterminds. These kids weren't just accidentally letting slip things they heard from Jerry Springer, they were warning me. That's right, that five year old wasn't pretending to flash because she thought it was funny, she was doing it to f*ck with me. They wanted something in exchange for pretending to keeping quiet. These kids were demanding that I bribe them so I wouldn't have to do my job... When did I stop dealing with children and start dealing with the mafia?
Let them break the rules. If the television fails, the next logical step is to accept their deal. You're now only as good as a corrupt official, or crooked cop. Let the children do as they please, and lie to their parents, in order to keep making those few dollars you'll probably spend on booze (it's the only way you can get through a day of not being me). At first, the children will only be testing you, but it won't take long before letting them stay up past bed time, and eat to much candy is no longer enough.
If all else fails, pay them. You've reached a point, where you're only option is to do your job, and God forbid you ever have to do any work. So you're only current option, is to give them your hard earned cash. They have no idea how much effort it took you to pretend to work for that.
Then listen to the Since You've Been Gone cover by ADTR and cry yourself to sleep at the money you lost.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KX6qatlZXs

So you're worried about your future?

With today's job market being unhealthy and all, you may be worried about you or your child's chances of succeeding at life. But rest assured, you can live a long, meaningless life of doing absolutely nothing, without starving or living on the streets. Heck, you'll even get a place to live for free and as much alcohol as it is humanly possible to consume. Through these simple steps, you can live your dream.
1. Prepare To Succeed
Now, for your average Joe, this would mean going to school, and working hard. But you're much too bright for that. Your preparations are much more difficult. So in order to be ready for your future, dropping out of school is essential, though failing out is also acceptable. Next, you must begin lowering your family's expectations in you, as low as they can possibly go, then driving them even further down.
2. Look The Part
Most people would tell you that the way you look, has nothing to do with how likely you are to succeed, but lets face it, most people will also have to work for a living.
Start going to the gym. With all the time you'll be saving by not going to school, work or doing anything else idiots would label as "productive", you should be able to get into really good shape. This free time should also be used for tanning, though spray on tans are preferred.
The most important part of your look is the hair gel. You must use very large amounts of hair gel. Otherwise, you look like a douchebag, and we all know you aren't.
3. How To Act
This is the most important part. If you cannot succeed at this, you will ultimately fail.
Your alcohol consumption rate is key. Most people ask how much alcohol is too much here, but that question is stupid as there is no such thing as too much. However, you there is too little alcohol; You should drink until Ke$ha's music, becomes reasonable and well though to your ears.Your liver will thank you for the workout when you're older.
Night clubs, should become your second home, you should spend almost as much time there, as you do sleeping on your parent's couch.
You should also sleep with anything bipedal, if you have a preferred sex, make use of the alcohol. If you are drinking properly, you shouldn't be able to tell what kind of genitalia your future partner has.
Living with your parents, is not only acceptable, but encouraged, as living on your own would require effort, and God forbid you ever have to do anything.
Being referred to as a "douche bag" means that you're acting appropriately. Those idiots are only jealous.
4. Call MTV
Now you're ready, this step, though primitively simple, is the most important. Call MTV and sign up for any shows they may be starting (your chances of being hired coincide with how drunk you are).
There you have it, with these four steps, you should have a reality show, and be living the dream life.

This song describes how you'll be living: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlQLPo6m1NM
Cash Cash - Party In Your Bedroom
Enjoy, people.

Tarantula

Yesterday, I encountered a tarantula in my garden. My first reaction was a calm and rational one. I reacted the way any sane, reasonable person would. I acted on instinct, and what it told me to do was to scream a string of barely coherent obscenities, and jump several feet away from the monster. Most living beings are intimidated by larger animals, but this tarantula could smell my fear. In those beady black eyes, I saw the incarnation of evil. Thankfully, I survived because I ran away before it could eat my soul.
It's burnt carcass will remain on my lawn as both a trophy and a warning to future intruders.

I think at this point, everyone is thoroughly aware of how terrified I am of anything resembling an insect. But this wasn't just any insect (yes I know that a tarantula isn't actually an insect), it was a tarantula. Picture, the largest, scariest insect that you can, and now make it bigger, hairier and venomous. Tarantulas are the epitome of everything horrifying. The entire time I was researching for this post, I kept swatting at my back and checking over my shoulder. For those of you not sane or intelligent enough to believe me, here are some facts about one of Mother Nature's way of getting back at us for all the pollution:
Digestive System

As a spider, the tarantula's only way of receiving nourishment is through sucking things in. In other words, instead of killing you and eating you like normal beings do, they put you through the agonizing pain of having to feel your insides liquefy. According to scientists, this characteristic developed directly after man's first sin.

Now, we all know that a tarantula isn't actually capable of killing a human, and even then, it couldn't possible eat one of us, but is something any less evil just because it's not doing it to you? Is Jigsaw really any less evil, because he isn't cutting off your limbs?

Their diet ranges everywhere from insects to birds. That's right birds. How large would that thing have to be to take down a bird? Wait, more importantly, how long before they get large enough to eat us? Because of that haunting question, I ask that we please stop deforestation, because I don't want to see what Mother Nature will do next.

Habitat

Tarantulas inhabit mainly everywhere. The only places they seem to not live in are Russia, and Canada, and I can hardly blame them. Canada sucks and is too cold for their bodies, and Russians are not nearly sane enough to be scared of them.

However, scientists say that their preferred habitats are desert and tropical regions. Their nests are usually built in caves, nightmares, holes they dig out themselves, the carved out bodies humans bold enough to face them, and most common of all, your bed as you sleep. 

Reproduction

All I have to say is that male spiders in general have to go through WAY too much danger in order to pass on their genes. And in the end, they just get eaten.

Picture every man having to fight a bear every time he wanted sex, and then having it eat him when he was done... Actually, I think I've solved the STD problem.

Predators

This terrifying monster has no predators.

That's right. None. Is it just me or does it feel like that is just a huge middle finger from Mother Nature?
The only thing that actively hunts these things is the wasp, and it doesn't even do that to eat them.

Wasps just hunt tarantulas because, f*ck spiders.

They sting a tarantula, paralyzing it, and then lay there eggs on the monster so that their larva can eat it when they are born. That's right, they don't kill the spider, they just give it a taste of it's own medicine and have it eaten alive.

Conclusion

From all the extensive research I did (thank you Google and Wikipedia), I determined three things:

First, we must stop abusing nature because it WILL retaliate.

Two, ask God to forgive our sins.

And finally, God has a sense of humor similar to mine.

As usual, I'll leave you with a song. My first choice was I Will Kill You by Cannibal Corpse, because that was what was running through my mind the entire time, but I'm not sure that everyone listens to that kind of music. So instead, I leave with Decode by Paramore, just because I love that song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvnkAtWcKYg

Zombies, Life and Much More

When I first decided to make a public blog, I promised myself to post in it every day.

This, like most of the other resolutions I make, lasted about two days. In my defense, the last month has been really hectic, my sister was hospitalized, I broke up with my girlfriend, I've been fighting this gnawing feeling that something is really wrong, and I've probably consumed my body weight in Nutella (I'm a fatty on the inside, alright).

One night as I was trying to figure out what had been bothering me so much, (we're continuing on with the topic of things that keep me up at night) I noticed that I have too many plans and not enough time. And through some strange progression of thoughts (best not to explain how my mind works) I began planning for a future zombie invasion. While I was stocking weapons under my bed, the thought came to me that in that situation, we wouldn't really be the ones in the worse situation. Sure, we would be surrounded by something that was once human, and now has only one thought, no worse, they don't think, something that has one desire to eat you. But what about them.

One of the reasons why no one actually wants immortality is that life suck most of the time. Friends are lost, family members die and dreams fail. Now imagine all of that, while your mind slowly goes numb as you are reverted to an animal. Worse, imagine that your only means of reproducing and socializing, is also your biggest predator and source of nourishment. 

All of this zombie talk brought me to one conclusion, things are never just what they seem to be. When I was in the fifth grade, I was bullied. I know, it's shocking, but strangely enough, not everyone enjoys my dry, sarcastic wit. Anyway, his name was Nelson, and I remember hating this kid with every cell in my body. He was evil, he always seemed angry, and for some reason, that anger was always turned against me. I wanted him to be hurt the way I was. The thing is though, I found out a few months into the summer, that his father was abusive. While I was busy wishing him the same pain I had, he was already living it. The big guy, the one who scared me so much, was just as terrified of going home, as I was of going to school.

All that just shows you that hurt people, look to hurt others. So when someone steps on your toes, or irks you, just wonder what had to happen to hurt them so much.

This posts song is: Swing Life Away by Rise Against

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BblV6AQsd2s
I'm not sure how relevant this song is, or even if it'll be relevant in your opinion, but that's the song I needed to hear.

Entomophobia: One of the Many Reason Why I Can't Sleep At Night

Entomophobia, also known as insectophobia, is the fear and/or hatred of insects.
I hate bugs. To me, insects are much more than absolutely annoying, and useless, they are utterly terrifying. Yes, I know from past experience of referring to insects as useless that the primary argument to their usefulness is that they're the main food source for so many animals, but why can't small animals find something else to feed on? I hear vegetarianism is growing popular.
The second sentence of this blog post was an understatement. I loathe and despise everything that even resembles an insect. Including, but not limited to, spiders. Heck, even crabs are somewhat terrifying.
The most simple and straightforward reason for this unrestrained hatred is a typical one: like most people, I consider anything that haunts my nightmares as detestable.
Bugs are horrifying. Everything about them, from the fact that there are probably millions of them around you right now, to the fact that no matter how many you kill, there will be more. Roaches even survive nuclear explosions, no to mention how quickly they reproduce from the lack of humans. After a nuclear explosion, their population increases. Then there is the fact that for every insect we kill, about a thousand more are born. Is it strange to fear anything that reproduces faster than you can kill? If your answer to that question is anything but a variation of the word no, you are some kind of sick lunatic monster, or a CoD fan (probably a mixture of both, seeing as they're so related).
Now, many people believe that I am simply overreacting. But lets go over some things that terrify humans and compare them to insects:

1. Vampires
Now, I know this one is debatable nowadays with the new sparkly attractive vampires we seem to fancy, but I want you to picture Dracula. I want you to picture the most adorable child you can, and picture them locked in a room with a starving Dracula. What was terrifying about him? He sucked your blood. What is more terrifying than something that can only survive by feeding on human blood? Something that survives purely off of human flesh. Well, thank the heavens that such creatures only reside in terrible books, cheesy movies, and HBO shows. Oh wait.... Bed Bugs, Fleas and Ticks all do that. In fact, mosquitoes, the best known of these pests, don't even ingest our blood for themselves. They use are best known bodily fluid in their reproductive cycle. Its almost as if the high pitched buzzing sound we hear when they fly by is their laughter. The little jerks are mocking us.
2. World Domination
One of the reasons everyone seems to think entomophobia is stupid is that insects are tiny. "They're more afraid of you than you are of them." is the most common expression. Well, to people who seem to think that, I'd like to point out that Argentine Ants are possibly taking over the world.
Contrary to popular belief, Argentina's largest export is neither fruit, nor handsome soccer players, its ants. Argentine Ants are only acceptable in Argentina. There, at least, they have some kind of hardship, keeping the population down. However, once they get anywhere outside of their original habitat (i.e. the rest of the world) things get wild. Nowadays, they are found on every continent except Antarctica (presumed to be because of the lack of humans to piss off and terrorize there).
The fact that they are colonizing the rest of the world is not very terrifying. The creepy part is that they're not normal ants. Most ants, treat different anthills as rivals. However, these ants are different, they form what scientists call, a "Global-Mega Colony."
No seriously:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argentine_ant#Global_.22mega-colony.22
That means that if you take an ant from China, and an ant from Brazil, instead of tearing each other to bits like normal ants, and even some humans do, they will work together.
But wait, the madness doesn't stop there, this Global-Mega Colony, when coupled with the fact that ants have something known as "collective intelligence" is terrifying. Collective intelligence is an idea that is hard to explain. An example of it is the fact that if you take a dozen ants and put them on a table together, they just walk around in circles until they die of exhaustion. However, if you take a few hundred, they gain the ability to coordinate attacks, and even regulate their own body heat. This means that unlike humans, when ants are put together, their IQ increases... Now, picture that, but with a colony capable of covering about 10,000 km.

Now, knowing all of this, knowing that these ants are quietly planning on taking over while we live our lives, how am I supposed to be able to sleep? They used us to help carry them throughout the world.
Insects are terrifying. And I will not be convinced otherwise. In fact, I'm so horrified by their mere existence, that some form of the word terror is in this post at least five hundred times.