Last week, I watched a movie so manly, it made Chuck Norris look like, well... me.
Based off of this movie, I decided what it would take to make a movie this awesome.
Character: The main character of this movie is more man then should ever be in a movie that doesn't involve sex and violence in every scene... Thank God this movie did both, in fact, at a certain point in the movie, it did both together. This character was doing insane things the entire movie. If I were to walk into an alleyway with that man, nothing would happen, because his sheer manliness would have kept me out of the alleyway. Everything about him, from the five o'clock shadow, to the constant "I dare you" look on his face makes me want to soil myself repeatedly.
Plot: Now, if it's one thing men don't like in a movie, it's a coherent story. Men don't have time to learn morals, or follow plot twists, men judge a movie based solely on the amount and extensiveness of a it's fight scenes and explosions. Men like action. (Editing Note: Men also hate to be referred to with pronouns.)
This movie is so filled to the brim with manliness, that the main character dies of boredom, moments after jumping out of a helicopter, simply because that was the least, and I lack adjectives here so I'll create my own, challenawesomemanly thing he'd done that day.
CRANK: I've avoided talking about the movie directly so far because I'm an awesome writer and know how to use writing devices, like suspense and stuff. The movie is basically about a mobster (named Chelios), who is poisoned by his boss, in an attempt for said criminal leader to get himself out of, and excuse me for using scientific terms here, deep sh*t. Chelios is played by Jason Statham, an actor so manly that the amount of time he needs to kill you is equivalent to the amount of time it takes for you to learn to pronounce his last name. A quick Google search shows that all of his pictures range from mildly frightening, to push your acrophobic grandmother off a skyscraper intimidating.
http://tinyurl.com/43cqr3o
This is one of the least intimidating pictures I found of him, and to be honest, I'd rather face the gun than face that. The look in his eyes makes it look as if the gun was about to melt seconds after the picture was taken. Jason Statham is the bastard child of James Bond, Angelina Jolie and Teddy Roosevelt.
I suggest you don't mention that it's anatomically impossible for three people to have a child together, because this: http://tinyurl.com/3ms5vwa is not a man you'd like to contradict.
Thanks for reading, and sleep well.
And don't let song choice (Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold) lead you to dreaming about Statham, you'll regret it when you wake up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94bGzWyHbu0
Just kidding, you wouldn't wake up from it.
Friday 26 August 2011
Saturday 20 August 2011
How To Babysit
For those of us not intelligent enough to join the cast of Jersey Shore, employment is always an option. Yes, I know that's like saying that the ugly step sister is always an option, but everyone needs a living right?
I've been doing a lot of babysitting this summer, because according to MTV I don't look good in a fake tan. Once I was confronted with the little monsters, I realized one thing right away: their parents weren't leaving them with me because they were busy, they just wanted to get away from them. Now, faced with this fact, I had two choices, consult child experts in some way, whether through a book, or in person, OR take the easy way out. Obviously, I did what any self-respecting, intelligent adolescent boy would do, I took the easy way out.
When left alone with a group of children, the television is your best friend. Give them the remote, and then you're free to roam the refrigerator while using their internet. This was pure genius on my part... Up until the parents began wondering where their children were learning the obscene words and expressions they began using were from. I confronted the children about this, and that's when things got scary. The grinning, sniveling tooth missing idiots were gone. They were replaced with conniving masterminds. These kids weren't just accidentally letting slip things they heard from Jerry Springer, they were warning me. That's right, that five year old wasn't pretending to flash because she thought it was funny, she was doing it to f*ck with me. They wanted something in exchange for pretending to keeping quiet. These kids were demanding that I bribe them so I wouldn't have to do my job... When did I stop dealing with children and start dealing with the mafia?
Let them break the rules. If the television fails, the next logical step is to accept their deal. You're now only as good as a corrupt official, or crooked cop. Let the children do as they please, and lie to their parents, in order to keep making those few dollars you'll probably spend on booze (it's the only way you can get through a day of not being me). At first, the children will only be testing you, but it won't take long before letting them stay up past bed time, and eat to much candy is no longer enough.
If all else fails, pay them. You've reached a point, where you're only option is to do your job, and God forbid you ever have to do any work. So you're only current option, is to give them your hard earned cash. They have no idea how much effort it took you to pretend to work for that.
Then listen to the Since You've Been Gone cover by ADTR and cry yourself to sleep at the money you lost.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KX6qatlZXs
I've been doing a lot of babysitting this summer, because according to MTV I don't look good in a fake tan. Once I was confronted with the little monsters, I realized one thing right away: their parents weren't leaving them with me because they were busy, they just wanted to get away from them. Now, faced with this fact, I had two choices, consult child experts in some way, whether through a book, or in person, OR take the easy way out. Obviously, I did what any self-respecting, intelligent adolescent boy would do, I took the easy way out.
When left alone with a group of children, the television is your best friend. Give them the remote, and then you're free to roam the refrigerator while using their internet. This was pure genius on my part... Up until the parents began wondering where their children were learning the obscene words and expressions they began using were from. I confronted the children about this, and that's when things got scary. The grinning, sniveling tooth missing idiots were gone. They were replaced with conniving masterminds. These kids weren't just accidentally letting slip things they heard from Jerry Springer, they were warning me. That's right, that five year old wasn't pretending to flash because she thought it was funny, she was doing it to f*ck with me. They wanted something in exchange for pretending to keeping quiet. These kids were demanding that I bribe them so I wouldn't have to do my job... When did I stop dealing with children and start dealing with the mafia?
Let them break the rules. If the television fails, the next logical step is to accept their deal. You're now only as good as a corrupt official, or crooked cop. Let the children do as they please, and lie to their parents, in order to keep making those few dollars you'll probably spend on booze (it's the only way you can get through a day of not being me). At first, the children will only be testing you, but it won't take long before letting them stay up past bed time, and eat to much candy is no longer enough.
If all else fails, pay them. You've reached a point, where you're only option is to do your job, and God forbid you ever have to do any work. So you're only current option, is to give them your hard earned cash. They have no idea how much effort it took you to pretend to work for that.
Then listen to the Since You've Been Gone cover by ADTR and cry yourself to sleep at the money you lost.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KX6qatlZXs
Sunday 14 August 2011
So you're worried about your future?
With today's job market being unhealthy and all, you may be worried about you or your child's chances of succeeding at life. But rest assured, you can live a long, meaningless life of doing absolutely nothing, without starving or living on the streets. Heck, you'll even get a place to live for free and as much alcohol as it is humanly possible to consume. Through these simple steps, you can live your dream.
1. Prepare To Succeed
Now, for your average Joe, this would mean going to school, and working hard. But you're much too bright for that. Your preparations are much more difficult. So in order to be ready for your future, dropping out of school is essential, though failing out is also acceptable. Next, you must begin lowering your family's expectations in you, as low as they can possibly go, then driving them even further down.
2. Look The Part
Most people would tell you that the way you look, has nothing to do with how likely you are to succeed, but lets face it, most people will also have to work for a living.
Start going to the gym. With all the time you'll be saving by not going to school, work or doing anything else idiots would label as "productive", you should be able to get into really good shape. This free time should also be used for tanning, though spray on tans are preferred.
The most important part of your look is the hair gel. You must use very large amounts of hair gel. Otherwise, you look like a douchebag, and we all know you aren't.
3. How To Act
This is the most important part. If you cannot succeed at this, you will ultimately fail.
Your alcohol consumption rate is key. Most people ask how much alcohol is too much here, but that question is stupid as there is no such thing as too much. However, you there is too little alcohol; You should drink until Ke$ha's music, becomes reasonable and well though to your ears.Your liver will thank you for the workout when you're older.
Night clubs, should become your second home, you should spend almost as much time there, as you do sleeping on your parent's couch.
You should also sleep with anything bipedal, if you have a preferred sex, make use of the alcohol. If you are drinking properly, you shouldn't be able to tell what kind of genitalia your future partner has.
Living with your parents, is not only acceptable, but encouraged, as living on your own would require effort, and God forbid you ever have to do anything.
Being referred to as a "douche bag" means that you're acting appropriately. Those idiots are only jealous.
4. Call MTV
Now you're ready, this step, though primitively simple, is the most important. Call MTV and sign up for any shows they may be starting (your chances of being hired coincide with how drunk you are).
There you have it, with these four steps, you should have a reality show, and be living the dream life.
This song describes how you'll be living: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlQLPo6m1NM
Cash Cash - Party In Your Bedroom
Enjoy, people.
1. Prepare To Succeed
Now, for your average Joe, this would mean going to school, and working hard. But you're much too bright for that. Your preparations are much more difficult. So in order to be ready for your future, dropping out of school is essential, though failing out is also acceptable. Next, you must begin lowering your family's expectations in you, as low as they can possibly go, then driving them even further down.
2. Look The Part
Most people would tell you that the way you look, has nothing to do with how likely you are to succeed, but lets face it, most people will also have to work for a living.
Start going to the gym. With all the time you'll be saving by not going to school, work or doing anything else idiots would label as "productive", you should be able to get into really good shape. This free time should also be used for tanning, though spray on tans are preferred.
The most important part of your look is the hair gel. You must use very large amounts of hair gel. Otherwise, you look like a douchebag, and we all know you aren't.
3. How To Act
This is the most important part. If you cannot succeed at this, you will ultimately fail.
Your alcohol consumption rate is key. Most people ask how much alcohol is too much here, but that question is stupid as there is no such thing as too much. However, you there is too little alcohol; You should drink until Ke$ha's music, becomes reasonable and well though to your ears.Your liver will thank you for the workout when you're older.
Night clubs, should become your second home, you should spend almost as much time there, as you do sleeping on your parent's couch.
You should also sleep with anything bipedal, if you have a preferred sex, make use of the alcohol. If you are drinking properly, you shouldn't be able to tell what kind of genitalia your future partner has.
Living with your parents, is not only acceptable, but encouraged, as living on your own would require effort, and God forbid you ever have to do anything.
Being referred to as a "douche bag" means that you're acting appropriately. Those idiots are only jealous.
4. Call MTV
Now you're ready, this step, though primitively simple, is the most important. Call MTV and sign up for any shows they may be starting (your chances of being hired coincide with how drunk you are).
There you have it, with these four steps, you should have a reality show, and be living the dream life.
This song describes how you'll be living: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlQLPo6m1NM
Cash Cash - Party In Your Bedroom
Enjoy, people.
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