Tarantula

Yesterday, I encountered a tarantula in my garden. My first reaction was a calm and rational one. I reacted the way any sane, reasonable person would. I acted on instinct, and what it told me to do was to scream a string of barely coherent obscenities, and jump several feet away from the monster. Most living beings are intimidated by larger animals, but this tarantula could smell my fear. In those beady black eyes, I saw the incarnation of evil. Thankfully, I survived because I ran away before it could eat my soul.
It's burnt carcass will remain on my lawn as both a trophy and a warning to future intruders.

I think at this point, everyone is thoroughly aware of how terrified I am of anything resembling an insect. But this wasn't just any insect (yes I know that a tarantula isn't actually an insect), it was a tarantula. Picture, the largest, scariest insect that you can, and now make it bigger, hairier and venomous. Tarantulas are the epitome of everything horrifying. The entire time I was researching for this post, I kept swatting at my back and checking over my shoulder. For those of you not sane or intelligent enough to believe me, here are some facts about one of Mother Nature's way of getting back at us for all the pollution:
Digestive System

As a spider, the tarantula's only way of receiving nourishment is through sucking things in. In other words, instead of killing you and eating you like normal beings do, they put you through the agonizing pain of having to feel your insides liquefy. According to scientists, this characteristic developed directly after man's first sin.

Now, we all know that a tarantula isn't actually capable of killing a human, and even then, it couldn't possible eat one of us, but is something any less evil just because it's not doing it to you? Is Jigsaw really any less evil, because he isn't cutting off your limbs?

Their diet ranges everywhere from insects to birds. That's right birds. How large would that thing have to be to take down a bird? Wait, more importantly, how long before they get large enough to eat us? Because of that haunting question, I ask that we please stop deforestation, because I don't want to see what Mother Nature will do next.

Habitat

Tarantulas inhabit mainly everywhere. The only places they seem to not live in are Russia, and Canada, and I can hardly blame them. Canada sucks and is too cold for their bodies, and Russians are not nearly sane enough to be scared of them.

However, scientists say that their preferred habitats are desert and tropical regions. Their nests are usually built in caves, nightmares, holes they dig out themselves, the carved out bodies humans bold enough to face them, and most common of all, your bed as you sleep. 

Reproduction

All I have to say is that male spiders in general have to go through WAY too much danger in order to pass on their genes. And in the end, they just get eaten.

Picture every man having to fight a bear every time he wanted sex, and then having it eat him when he was done... Actually, I think I've solved the STD problem.

Predators

This terrifying monster has no predators.

That's right. None. Is it just me or does it feel like that is just a huge middle finger from Mother Nature?
The only thing that actively hunts these things is the wasp, and it doesn't even do that to eat them.

Wasps just hunt tarantulas because, f*ck spiders.

They sting a tarantula, paralyzing it, and then lay there eggs on the monster so that their larva can eat it when they are born. That's right, they don't kill the spider, they just give it a taste of it's own medicine and have it eaten alive.

Conclusion

From all the extensive research I did (thank you Google and Wikipedia), I determined three things:

First, we must stop abusing nature because it WILL retaliate.

Two, ask God to forgive our sins.

And finally, God has a sense of humor similar to mine.

As usual, I'll leave you with a song. My first choice was I Will Kill You by Cannibal Corpse, because that was what was running through my mind the entire time, but I'm not sure that everyone listens to that kind of music. So instead, I leave with Decode by Paramore, just because I love that song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvnkAtWcKYg